1. |
chance
06:15
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im in possession of this moment
yeah i took it off
i took it off
the market
i just got 2 hours left,
to feel like a person again
to feel like Brandon
instead, i just feel like a kid again
"yeah, you’re welcome here
why is your wallet out, though?
put that away, you’re always here”
the wonderland her sisters don’t like
a lilac ceiling above North Drive
it’s not the quickest way
but i take it back every night
well, she saved me
no matter how i respond
when they talk to me
when they ask me,
“why are you leaving?
is it because of me?”
there’s a chance
yeah, a small chance
she could come in for my shift
and do what she said
and there’s a chance
yeah, a small chance
this’ll go easy for her
receiving the respect she deserves
and there’s a chance
yeah, a very small chance
i won’t feel like i need another
to offset the downfall
from the one a few hours ago
a few hours ago
a few hours from now
there is no hope
none at all
that she’ll come in for my shift
i saw her message request
there is no hope
none at all
that they’ll ever get it
constantly double checking
and calling her “him”
there is no hope
none at all
that this high will stick
float down until about 9 or 10
there is no hope
none at all
that this high will stick
float down
then crash
there is no hope
none at all
that this high will stick
float down until about 9 or 10
there is no hope
none at all
float down gently
then crash
then crash
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2. |
constant stream
04:47
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it all runs together
like the Willamette
like a search engine, its results
like a constant stream
of euphoria
you say its priceless, but ill pay for it
its all together
its all together
stuffed up there, on the left
inside her closet
my claims of depression
driven by small mercies
conversation, they say
doesn't concern me
favors they do for me
to show me
their forgiveness
but without an apology
"don’t worry, it’s okay
it’s a common mistake,
don't worry, it's okay
it's a common mistake,
don't worry, it's okay
it's a common mistake"
ribbons of columns of light
hitting my head and losing my sight
anxiety riding the tracks
doing my job for me
giving me the reasons
they accidentally fucked with me
the reasons
they use those words to talk with me
the reasons
the reasons
“im worried, are you okay?
im sorry, it was a mistake,
im worried, are you okay?
im sorry, it was a mistake,
im worried, are you okay?"
it all runs together, in separate lanes
the colors binding and blending into the panes
it gets better, gets worse
it gets better, gets worse
up and around
up and around
up and around
like a rollercoaster,
rollercoaster
up and around
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3. |
cot in the back
03:07
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tunnel vision, im inside it
but not seeing the mountain
can you believe it?
how he showed us the audience?
their color
their figure
they’re burrowing underneath us
trying to get, trying to get,
a better angle on us
bought all these baskets
for one egg
its tragic, if i tell it that way
the bouquet at the end of the driveway
the bouquet at the end of the driveway
those yellow petals
right under
ice and slush
wait for the message,
that the washer is back on
back on
back on
back on
back on
back on
tunnel vision, im inside it
cot in the back
sleep on my lunch
to go right back
to go right back
right back
right,
right back
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4. |
conditioner
03:23
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blurry brake lights
but my eyesight is just fine
use my hearing
focus on the number of rings until his voicemail
was on his side once
had somebody scared
cry for my health, scream in a message
i wanted to respond, but was somehow hesitant
bathing in the unsettled dust
feeling for the dip in the earth
you told me that i've been in theatre
to take it slow
to take it slow,
with her
it'll never land, will it?
that sparrow out of Odessa?
and the lakes, all 38 of them
coming together below it
to frighten it
bend its beak down
to watch it (talula)
bend its beak down
to watch it (talula)
every single thing that's ever happened to me,
is over with and has no meaning
every single thing that's ever happened to me,
is over with and has no meaning
the spread of my life is sedimentary
the spread of my life is sedimentary
see it through the plastic water bottle
the memories on the bottom
the memories on the bottom
the memories on the bottom
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5. |
crock pot
07:01
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lack of foresight
add location
where did you go, for vacation?
need it from you, we need it from you
wouldn’t know unless you told
us all through your phone
state of sunshine
reduced down to an album
a memory
a public folder
well i’ve been there too
but you wouldn’t know that, no
cause i didn’t tell you
cause you didn’t ask
you never ask, back
im just a frame
as you fill in the blank
now i imagine
what kind of person
i seem to be from your position
the kind of person i don’t want to be
the kind of person i don’t want to be
so it festers,
sits in a crock pot
all of my bad decisions i’ve been working on
they just simmer
the onions, the garlic, my addiction
all day, bring this aroma from the kitchen
to the hallway
to the bathroom
it's on the mirror
i can’t look
can’t look
i wouldn’t call it a demon
i wouldn’t call it a demon
i wouldn’t say it’s my father
i wouldn’t call it Catherine
but i know, it’s a person
and they shadow
walk the way i’m going
im going
passing through and thinking of you
but what you give back
just disrespect, just bullshit, no eye contact
you give my shadow a pat on the back
i wouldn’t say you caused my addiction
but you’re a reason i’m still at it,
oh
yeah, you don’t help
frustration boils over
starts sliding on the stove top
as I know you know, the feeling of this hell
but your empathy isn’t there
it’s not under the sink
not the back and forth bits we tell
it’s nowhere near you, near me
it’s like it’s on vacation
it's like it's on vacation
it's like it's on
it's like it's on
it's like it's on
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6. |
chapter
05:47
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2013, 2013
“i'm not like them, but i can pretend”
your girl, your car, your friends
ill fold and call it
for me, that’s where it ends
2018, 2018
my thoughts are sewn to my girlfriend
as Halloween fades a little less
easy to recall
when it’s cold
in Pavillian Estates
when we’re thinking of sex
and honestly,
i’m just too quick to apply the coating
and Reed, im lying
i know only of the first chapter
every year, another sentence
just retain what’s relevant
what's relevant
the paragraphs get all fucked
lost in a sea of words i look up
a shipwreck id imagine in Arizona
to fill in the background
to fill in the backgorund
to fill in
hard to know how it went down
with your mom
if you were with someone
or by yourself?
ill rush an answer
because your eulogy is melodic
snaps right into my discography
Ryan, Reed
Ryan, Reed
Ryan, Reed
is there a similarity?
oh God, please let there not be
i’m selfish, i'm stubborn,
see the noose
not let it get me down
don’t bring me down
don't you bring me down
there’s so many of you
i can't talk to all of you
there's so many of you
i wish the best for all of you
but not me
but not me
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7. |
cleaning
07:35
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split into volumes
say that I did this cause I was asked to
but i cant say that, i wanted to
Part 7…as i daydream about dreaming
when dusk hits you,
but not me
when you’re sleeping,
and im cleaning
oh, oh
holding myself under my name
under the sheets
spotting the marks
fade in, fade out
back when i was valued at a cost
to barter for the pressure of a breath
now it gets to me
i gotta stop myself
before i demand an apology
my forgiveness is unnecessary, oh
oh, oh
a seed that buries
itself in the days
i go without one
defend my title as the most honest
defend myself, my time
because today is all i have
today is mine
today is mine
today is mine
Part 8…i won’t lie now
i thought it was selfish to leave
your body at the door
but im just now noticing the deadbolts
on the ones ive seen open before
oh, oh
“im just checking in
seeing where you’re at”
calling and texting, as if it’s progress
i’ll hold you accountable
unless it means i’m then seen as pressure
hope you know i’ve considered,
you my greatest friend
there’s something else im not sure you should know
but i won’t lie now
i won't lie now
at first, when you told me about it
it was a focused shock
felt like trickles down my back
then my privacy was breached
the mere thought now never leaves my mind, nor my body
during errands, when im supposed to be asleep
as she’s waking up, when im working
even as banter between my parents and me
if they had the choice,
neither of them would be
the work up to the payoff that’s never delivered
the scheduled, seemingly staged love just isn’t worth it
just isn't worth it
they’re coming from a place where I wasn’t,
an option
an option
from their heart
from their heart
id rather stop myself now before i begin to act like i love myself
i have to stop myself now before i begin to really lose myself
myself
lose myself in always having the choice
always having the choice
always having the choice
the choice
the choice
i need a hard reset
to skip past this
need a hard reset
to understand
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Alexander Nothing Grand Rapids, Michigan
Autotomy out now.
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